don’t feel bad.

Posted on by spillingtheteaa

Don’t ever feel bad for putting yourself first. After so much time of caring for others and putting them before yourself, you begin to lose yourself. Sure, claim that you haven’t, claim that you won’t ever lose yourself. Thats what I did, but you don’t notice like everyone else does around you.

You lose the sparkle in your eyes and the glow in your skin. It’s a lovely thing to be in love and to want to give that person all that you are. That is okay, because that is what love is all about. You lose yourself when you are the one who is putting in the greatest amount of effort. True, sometimes it is needed that you put in a lot more effort, they may be going through something, they may have their bad days.. But when it is adding up and adding up and you cannot honestly say that it is mutual, you have to realize that you are drained.

Don’t feel bad for walking away, even without an explanation. Don’t feel bad for giving up or for letting go. Don’t feel bad for moving on. Don’t feel bad for being happy and searing for that sparkle again.

As humans we crave affection, attention, and love. When you ask for those things from someone who you give them to, you are not asking for too much. Don’t limit yourself and tie chains around your ankles, you will begin to drown.

It truly is lovely to be in love, but not to be in love with someone who isn’t in love enough to show that they love you.

Just let go. Be strong enough to be independent. It’s scary being alone sometimes… You feel like you are empty without that person by your side even if they don’t do you any good, but it is necessary that you move on.

Try something new. Fall in love with yourself. Fall completely and utterly in love with the person you are. If you don’t like who you see when you look into a mirror, change. But depend on yourself for love and happiness, not others. There is no way you can be sincerely happy if you depend on someone else to make you happy.

Don’t feel bad for trying to be happy.

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color me yours.

Posted on by spillingtheteaa

sometimes I don’t meet people’s expectations or standards. sometimes I am too much or not enough. at least that’s what it seems like nowadays. I am not just right, I’m too friendly or too rude, too ugly or not pretty enough, too skinny or not skinny enough…

but I swear there was a time when I was just right for someone. and he sure did love me, gave me his all even. he treated me like a princess, gave me butterflies every time he looked my way. his effortless ways, made me effortlessly smile. I can swear up and down all day that he will come back, because we were happier than we have ever been.

but it’s been months, almost a year since we have had a conversation. a nice one, at least. one that ended in mutual love for one another. I wonder if he still loves me the way he used to.

I have gotten so used to everyone coloring me different colors, colors that I don’t even recognize. colors that I have never seen before and have no desire of seeing on me again. They color me a sad blue, a neon pink, a glossy red, and a bright yellow. but those aren’t my colors, you never colored me that way. you never changed my tone or shade. but these people don’t seem to like my color. they want to enhance, contrast, and mix it with a different one. don’t let them falsify my tint. come back, and color me yours.

erase those dark shades of blue and the light grays… make me as bright as I used to be when I was still yours. color me the electrifying color of happiness that made me feel empowered and radiant. color me beautiful, bring back my roots. and don’t let them change my hue. intensify me the way you used to. bring back my saturation. bring back my chromaticity.

come back. color me yours, again.

friendships

backbone since 10/13/15

Image | Posted on by spillingtheteaa

an unconditional friendship doesn’t come around often , so when it does , hold on to it as tight as you can and don’t let go .

it all started on Oct. 13 of 2015 , when i told him i wanted to be friends with him . my club was doing a spirit week type thing and that day was the day to make a stranger a friend . he agreed , but i think he was a little scared that i might try to kidnap him . ( i was thinking ab it tbh ) so over those next couple of weeks , we got to know each other and we facetimed every chance we got , he has this amazing girlfriend (A) ( and she is so beautiful ) , and we would go on and on about the things we loved and our natural highs (:

he was quiet at first and then there was no way of shutting him up , not that i ever had or ever will have the desire to ! he is so unique to me . and a big part of my world . one of my closest friends . my best friend . we are on and off and back on and off again , mostly on my part . but im thankful that he’s stayed by my side .

and i refuse to lie , i do take him for granted a lot . and i am horrible at staying in touch . and being a great friend to him . sometimes i get so busy that i forget that i have a friend that also needs a friend .

i have never met someone like him . someone so forgiving and compassionate about others . someone who is selfless and true to himself . someone who’s laugh is the only thing you want to hear for the rest of the day . someone who is there when you need them , always there . someone who lights up your world with their smile . someone who is that sunlight on your rainy ass day . that’s what he means to me .

and i don’t know what in the world i would do with out him . he is my backbone .

No Such Luck

Posted on by spillingtheteaa

Toula Mavridou-Messer

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Today friends posted lovely words and images to acknowledge and celebrate their daughter’s 5th birthday. Where my heart should have been singing it instead whimpered and cried with the memory of what being 5 means to me.

Five was when it all went horribly wrong. It was already bad enough but little did I know or could ever comprehend was just how bad it would get, year on year until now, aged 48 when the pain is indescribable.

At 5, I was a child far older than my years.

Far older than my years? What on earth does that actually mean? Well, it meant that when I looked at you, you knew immediately that the eyes you were staring into were conveying a pain that you barely knew existed and that was before it got any worse.

My Mother, my beautiful crazy Mother had been impregnated by a smooth, handsome…

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The Horrific Reality of America’s Broken Promise

Posted on by spillingtheteaa

cultureshift

In Defense of the Defenseless

This baby boy was born prematurely after 24 weeks of life. Sadly, it’s completely legal in the United States of America to brutally dismember children like him while still alive in the womb. We like to claim that we are the world’s best hope for securing human rights, but that will forever remain a lie until we stop killing our own sons and daughters through abortion on demand.

It’s time to reject the idea that some humans are more valuable than others. It’s time to reclaim our lost humanity.

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happiness?

momma said there would be days like these…

Aside | Posted on by spillingtheteaa

days when i would run into the school bathroom stall, fall to the floor, and cry because sixth grade girls are mean.

days when a boy made me believe he liked me, but broke my tiny heart into dozens of little pieces.

days when all i could think about was killing myself, not wanting to live, and feeling like worthless shit.

days when i questioned God and asked Him why He would let this happen to me if He truly did love me.

days when i felt alone, because my best friend turned her back and talked about me and i would bawl for weeks.

days when i would look in the mirror and tears would run down my face, along with lumps of mascara.

days when i would look at my past and i wouldn’t be able to see any kind of future for myself.

days when i would lean over the toilet and force myself to throw up, because society says i’m fat, even when i haven’t eaten yet.

days when i would have to wipe the tears away, put my makeup on, and fake a smile.

now i believe her…

but momma also told me that there would be days when i didn’t have to fake a smile, because i was happy…

but i don’t know how to believe her.